Life is quicker than the heart can tell

I've been thinking that pressure and troubles cause a kind of inertia, a feeling that I need to hide away until they pass. I have wanted to hide away but now, after another difficult day, I think that's all it was - a want. In reality, the situations I've had to experience over the last weeks and months have caused not inertia, not this immovable and unchanging state, but more of a blurred, overactive way of living which moves so fast that it pretends to not move at all.

The heart is tricked like the eye into thinking this blurred illusion is not properly seen, that it is a static fiction which doesn't move and cannot be altered until I am ready to stand up and face it. Instead what both the heart and the eye are looking at is a cruel trick of life where there is so very much going on at once, the senses are unable to take it in.

Time after time, issue after issue, problem after problem and all superseded by an overarching unwillingness for life to go smoothly, pushing me to the point of caving in and just saying Enough.

No matter whether I am hiding or whether life is a perpetually unmanageable blur of feeling, when a limit is reached then it is either turn away or break. I blame, I blame myself, I look for solutions within and then, confused, start casting about for them in the outside world.

I am both stopped in place by events and catapulted onwards by feelings. As if life wasn't complex at the best of times, when it becomes more so and this complexity is so full and ripe it is barely able to stay on the tree, then what can I do? How can I solve a multitude of problems when only one seems too big and ready for fruition?

The answer is in where I began: that blur of motion, so quick as to be unseen, is not the part I am meant to fix. It is unfixable in its present state. After all, how can any person fix something that is moving too quickly for the eye to process? You cannot find a solution for a problem which is moving too fast to hold onto.

What must be solved is my reaction to it, my need to feel that if I can do this then that will be resolved. I must let go of my feelings of control - they are illusory at best and in this climate of change and headlong, imminent undoing, any sense of control is foolhardy.

I must accept that I am in a place of flux, that I am also in flux, that the change which moves everything else so quickly cannot pass by without also moving me. I must realise, finally, that the reason I cannot fix anything is because it is not there to be fixed, it is just there because life is like that sometimes.

There is no hiding, there is no safe place in the physical world. I can only hold myself close and wait for the heady sense of motion to settle, and in settling for it to be revealed what it was that was spinning so fast it could not be seen.

It is only once this motion is over that I will be able to see clearly and know what I am dealing with. Until then, any attempt to change or resolve will end in partial victory at best and defected failure most of the time.

I need the patience to trust myself and to give up control. If I wait, it will slow, solidify, the colours will separate as the movement scales back. That will be the moment when it is time for me to stand and go forward, to have a better look. Then, and not before, is when I can see what must be done.

Until then I will live in the blur and know that waiting is a skill in itself. When we give up control and wait for understanding, we are learning to trust ourselves in the knowledge that not everything can be understood at the time we choose. Everything has a time and we are no exception.


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This is my quiet place

It's a quiet place where I don't have to sit, hunched, arms over my head, eyes closed, everything frightened of being disturbed. It's total silence and no door to be opened or window to be peered through. It's alone.

And then it seems that my thoughts have voices of their own and come, unbidden, crowding round me, just as much as real people would. They are real, they are what went before and what might have been, populated by all the true or ungenerous souls I have known in my life. And many I didn't know for long enough.

Somehow, this lasts longer than I thought, my struggle to hear their voices matched only by my difficulty in staying still and allowing this one-sided conversation to take place. This is my quiet place until I ahave absolute privacy and then it becomes the arena where all that troubles me is worked out, thrashed into submission so I can understand it and defeat it.

I am still sitting here, exhausted now, trying to rest between times when I can think clearly and the many hours and days when it seems the queue of people, past and present, will never end with their incessant clamour for my attention.

This is my quiet place and I need to reclaim it but first I need to hear the words I usually push aside while I'm trying to go from day to day.

Eventually the door will reappear, the windows will let in the outside world and I will need to stand up and leave.

If my quiet place is full and noisy, if life has to be understood by stepping in here and working it all out, then where do I go for real quiet and actual solitude? Where do I recharge? What do I do when it all becomes too much?

This is my quiet place and for now there is no door, no window, no floor or walls, only me and the sanctity of a place where no other person, regardless of how loud their voice might be, can reach in and touch me.

When I leave, I will be counting the seconds until I can come back.


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Why do we have to be understood?

I know a lot of this blog is written so that non-aspies can understand the aspie in their life, without always having to wonder what their best beloved is thinking or feeling or doing. Okay, that being said, what is so wrong with being incomprehensible? Why do we feel the need to be understood? Why do we care?

Frankly, I think it's time to set down our tools and take a break from making the world understand us. Who cares? Why should we need to open ourselves up so that other people can go away happy, understanding us more and seeing our reasons for being as we are?

Why should it matter that I don't want to go out today? Why should you care that I don't want to go to work? Why do I have to explain what I meant when I said what I said? Why do I have to explain that I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, when I have explained before?

Why do we have to be comprehended? What is so wrong with being mysteries? And who does it really benefit if we make ourselves understood?

I suppose it comes down to belonging and wanting people to understand. Wanting them not to point the finger or raise an eyebrow. Wanting them to take us in, just as we are, even when we don't make any sense. At the same time as being on the outskirts, we want to feel that we could be right in the centre, if we liked.

We want to be able to walk unaccosted through society and sometimes feel as other people feel. We want it to all be usual and ordinary when we speak, to be unnoticed when we act. We want to know what to do in the first place, without having to ask.

We don't want the drama of an unexplained word or deed. We don't want the aggravation of yet more tears. We in no way want to work out why our actions resulted in a wholly unusual situation.

We just want it all to be fiiiiine.

And so we explain and help people understand. We set in place a route for others to follow, so they don't get left behind. We hope that when words fail us, we won't be left standing alone, shoulders hunched and face contorted as we face Life right in the eye.

Today, though, I want to be a mystery. I don't want to explain and muster patience for the foibles of the uninitiated. I want to be just as I am, no instructions, no downloadable manual, no walkthrough, no hints and cheats or spoiler alerts.

And if anyone is confused, they can go find some other route to follow or find their own way of keeping up.


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